When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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