Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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