Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
