chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
