I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You can't motorboat a personality
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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