I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
