WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
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I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
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I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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