dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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