I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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