We're facebook friends in real life
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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