a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
