...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
