They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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