Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Randomize
