dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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