When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
