when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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