Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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