then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
