so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize