He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
