i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
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Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?