I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
