Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
