yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
