The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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