just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
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But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
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Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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