She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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