All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
