Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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