these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
