sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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