Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
