its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
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Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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