I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
