While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
