new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
