we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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