I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
