If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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