Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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