you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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