I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
