K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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