Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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