Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
