I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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