Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
