i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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