1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
