Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
