Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
