Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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