Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
