rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
